the Mayans were right

...and then it hit me!

how did i not see this before?  

why did i not see this before?

do you ever have those moments where it all makes sense? 

everything. 

you realise that your decisions were the perfect choices;

your doubts were echoes of doubt from others, and not really your own;

your life, in fact, is exactly what you shaped it to be...

and you love it.

so why did it take me this long to figure it out? well, maybe a part of me always knew, and a bigger part always believed, but in the whole, i needed the time to appreciate it. 

                                                                                                           all.

                                                                                                                   to really get it.

it's just a pity that the world ends in 2 days.....

daysed and confucius

to make a long story short, don't tell it...

my story was told. by artist's and philosophers, banging down the cloud bubbles of my head, with warnings and flares, and delicious sparklers. 

but everybody likes sparklers. i couldn't resist.

and now, i wait. 

the days pass. each hour goes by with the immediacy of time, and the persistence of a slug. 

and i wait.

if only my dreams were dreams...

a love letter...

of course, since we got back, i've had time to think and wonder what the fuck is going on...

i didn't want you to leave, but would have insisted you did, even if you decided to stay. let me explain:

that day is probably going to be one of the best days of my life. i had no anxiety letting you into my home, my life, and only realised when it was too late how comfortable i was to have you there. it was one of those moments that i would have asked you to stay,,, 

forever. 

and so i knew i had to get you out. 

i think if i live long enough to be old and senile, it will be a day that i will never forget... having you in my bed... the afternoon sun streaming in... that's what i want my life to be about.

the following day... night, when i was on my way, i meant it when i said... 

i wanted to see you, more than i knew why at the time. you had too much shit to do, and i had the epiphany of my feelings for you spinning in my head... i had to deal with that first.  

i was disappointed that you turned so cold on me, so fast... i'm still not sure why. i understand you not wanting to confuse matters, but you didn't want to see me... we were good an hour earlier, and then?? 

my thoughts: you talked to someone, and they gave you safe advice. 

for me, it was too late for safe.

having you in my life has only enhanced it - and trust me, my life is good enough already. 

but... i realised that you still like drama, and i am finding for the first time in my life, i don't...

why share you with others? they don't deserve you. 

and there's no way i'm sharing myself, not if it means i could lose the wonderland i found with you...

ironically... i accept it, happily. i'd rather never see you again knowing the last time i did was one of the best weekends of my life. 

and our last touch... the best day of my life.

in any previous conversations, i refrained from divulging my past to you because it's in the past. my thoughts and actions, good, bad, or dirty, are what have made me the woman i am today. and i am the best person i know. 

you asked how it is possible... easy. i don't settle for 'good enough'. my experiences in the past may have been crazy, rebellious, wild, whatever... 

none of them worked out. 

entertaining amusements... drama, really, packed with highs and lows, but never any real kind of satisfaction.   i have sex when i want it. and am happily resigned to being single. when you first approached me... because we both were too busy for anything else... 

but, 

there were checks being made that i didn't want to admit to, and only realised after... 

knowing i was going to see you got me excited, eager, wet... every time... it always felt like a first date. it still blows me away when i think about it...  everything is easy with you; eating, talking, joking, the mental stimulation... and even... for the first time...

you get it. you got everything. i have nothing to say about you, except what i've always said: you're awesome.

my bar has been raised. 

the tension we felt, and the way my body reacts to just seeing you... it's brought me to a whole new level of want... 

i'm sharing with you my feelings because i don't want to waste either of our time. you're wonderful. yes, my feelings for you have grown, and there's no way for me to just shut them off... and whether you want to hear it or not, the truth is, it was you i've been imagining under me with everyone else. it always has been. i've been in love with you for years, i just didn't recognize it when i met you. weird how i can picture someone so accurately, but not see them standing right in front of me...

i love talking with you. you're funny, and passionate, and display rage at the most awkward times... it's awesome...

you have made yourself very clear that you don't want to pursue anything with me. i know this, and accept it. i don't necessarily like it, and i think it's crazy that i met someone... with whom i've fallen in love with, 

and... 

i don't know if you will ever receive this, and if you do, if you'll even read it. but if you have read this far,

fuck you. 

my shameful lament

Ever look back and wonder: where is he/she? why'd we stop talking? when did everything change?

school ends, we move on.
new job, you keep in touch for 3 months, move on.
move in with other roommates, move on.

..."i should call [him/her] back, but gonna finish what i'm doing first"...

and move on.

more often than not, those calls are never made. not because i don't care, but because my living in the now offers too many distractions. suddenly, the now is past, and the shame of not having called sooner delays my better judgment to call in the future.

...it's not like you'll remember me anyways.

and then i get a note. a call. a freak bumping into someone out of nowhere who just so happens to know my past someone from somewhere.

and they're sick. or dying. or already gone.

this week i was hit with a call. and my response was somewhat disabled. i didn't fill it to my full ability... but i did respond. and with the response comes my lament. and with my lament comes my resolution, full of hope. no more excuses. no more fear.

tommy said to me recently: "an old lover once told me that i don't wear modesty well". he is the most outlandish, crazy, inspired character who taught me how to use words. and steal a bike... i'd forgotten about the words. i offered them back to him, and he accepted them with grace, and inspiration.

i brought light to a friend in the dark. time for me to light my own candles now.

no more excuses. no more fear.

only some good 'ol fashioned modesty.

Unsung Heroes

Do they exist? Where are these broad-chested, cape-donning men ready to save the world? And the new strain of Wonder Woman/Barbie physiques - who strangely enough feel the need to not only admit to whatever surgery they may have had, but insist on having others 'feel' the firmness (proof is in the pudding!) - don't seem to be using their new-found bodies for worldly good either.

...Makes me wonder why those heroes of yesteryear required the physiques of platonic Olympian proportions, but I guess leaping tall buildings in a single bound will eventually build a bulging muscle or two...

But I mean real heroes. Not your mom - although admittedly, my mom does border on superwoman terrain - but the guy with the umbrella who walks you to your car in the pouring rain because he sees you don't have one. Or the group of people who throw parties with all their friends and loved ones to gather and donate gifts or food to help those living below poverty (which is quickly becoming a majority of people in these times).

These are small heroic gestures that I've witnessed, but I got a list that I need to share of people who I think take the cake.

And I'm starting here, with the first (ooh, my 'first', if you will)
Jian Ghomeshi, at CBC Radio One -- http://www.cbc.ca/q/

He kills me softly with his song. Smart, witty, and a hell of a lot of fun to listen to, this man is my hero. His awkward way of delivering himself over the airwaves and into the hearts of listeners is refreshing, enlightening, and being in the same age generation as him, bizarrely familiar. His shows are quirky, his guests stellar, and his way of always trying to be politically correct while everyone else around him (Elvira!) seems to take the show wheeling in all directions is entertainment at its best.

Guests range from Super Dave Osborne (Bob Einstein) http://podcast.cbc.ca/mp3/qpodcast_20081114_9278.mp3, to Deepak Chopra http://podcast.cbc.ca/mp3/qpodcast_20081205_9870.mp3, and there is never a dull moment.

So lets see. Jian's virtues include wit, humour, intelligence, patience (Bob Einstein!), and curiosity. His demeanor is welcoming and sincere. His reach is pretty much boundless.

I say throw on some tights and a CBC cape, and this guy's good to go. But that's just me.