of course, since we got back, i've had time to think and wonder what the fuck is going on...
i didn't want you to leave, but would have insisted you did, even if you decided to stay. let me explain:
that day is probably going to be one of the best days of my life. i had no anxiety letting you into my home, my life, and only realised when it was too late how comfortable i was to have you there. it was one of those moments that i would have asked you to stay,,,
forever.
and so i knew i had to get you out.
i think if i live long enough to be old and senile, it will be a day that i will never forget... having you in my bed... the afternoon sun streaming in... that's what i want my life to be about.
the following day... night, when i was on my way, i meant it when i said...
i wanted to see you, more than i knew why at the time. you had too much shit to do, and i had the epiphany of my feelings for you spinning in my head... i had to deal with that first.
i was disappointed that you turned so cold on me, so fast... i'm still not sure why. i understand you not wanting to confuse matters, but you didn't want to see me... we were good an hour earlier, and then??
my thoughts: you talked to someone, and they gave you safe advice.
for me, it was too late for safe.
having you in my life has only enhanced it - and trust me, my life is good enough already.
but... i realised that you still like drama, and i am finding for the first time in my life, i don't...
why share you with others? they don't deserve you.
and there's no way i'm sharing myself, not if it means i could lose the wonderland i found with you...
ironically... i accept it, happily. i'd rather never see you again knowing the last time i did was one of the best weekends of my life.
and our last touch... the best day of my life.
in any previous conversations, i refrained from divulging my past to you because it's in the past. my thoughts and actions, good, bad, or dirty, are what have made me the woman i am today. and i am the best person i know.
you asked how it is possible... easy. i don't settle for 'good enough'. my experiences in the past may have been crazy, rebellious, wild, whatever...
none of them worked out.
entertaining amusements... drama, really, packed with highs and lows, but never any real kind of satisfaction. i have sex when i want it. and am happily resigned to being single. when you first approached me... because we both were too busy for anything else...
but,
there were checks being made that i didn't want to admit to, and only realised after...
knowing i was going to see you got me excited, eager, wet... every time... it always felt like a first date. it still blows me away when i think about it... everything is easy with you; eating, talking, joking, the mental stimulation... and even... for the first time...
you get it. you got everything. i have nothing to say about you, except what i've always said: you're awesome.
my bar has been raised.
the tension we felt, and the way my body reacts to just seeing you... it's brought me to a whole new level of want...
i'm sharing with you my feelings because i don't want to waste either of our time. you're wonderful. yes, my feelings for you have grown, and there's no way for me to just shut them off... and whether you want to hear it or not, the truth is, it was you i've been imagining under me with everyone else. it always has been. i've been in love with you for years, i just didn't recognize it when i met you. weird how i can picture someone so accurately, but not see them standing right in front of me...
i love talking with you. you're funny, and passionate, and display rage at the most awkward times... it's awesome...
you have made yourself very clear that you don't want to pursue anything with me. i know this, and accept it. i don't necessarily like it, and i think it's crazy that i met someone... with whom i've fallen in love with,
and...
i don't know if you will ever receive this, and if you do, if you'll even read it. but if you have read this far,
fuck you.
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